Key points
- Evidence-based time-outs help children develop emotional regulation and reduce disruptive behaviors over time.
- Setting limits can be challenging, humbling, and emotionally triggering, even for trained professionals.
- Neutral, structured discipline—rather than reactivity or permissiveness—strengthens parent-child bonds.
- Parenting isn’t perfection—it’s balancing discipline and connection to build a secure, loving relationship.
“Rookie move, Dada,” I thought to myself. I had foolishly left the blue container of Puffs out on the counter, right in my hungry daughter’s line of sight. In typical stimulus-response fashion, she lit up when she spotted her favorite snack. As a clinical psychologist and early childhood specialist, I was disappointed by my own lack of foresight; This was lunch time, not snack time, and a tantrum was now inevitable.
As I sealed her coveted Puffs behind a child-locked door, Cece’s emotions erupted in our small Hoboken kitchen. Impelled by understandable frustration, the onslaught of uncontrollable wailing and tears was nature’s punishment for my thoughtlessness. This wasn’t my first Puff-prompted rodeo, however, and Psychologist Dada knew exactly what to do: I got down on her level, made eye contact, empathically validated her feelings…and abruptly got smacked in the face.
A pang of shame lurched through my stomach, quickly manifesting as anger. Cece’s escalating hitting habit was eroding my personal and professional confidence. A literal slap in the face from my daughter was a figurative punch in the gut to my ego. At work, I proselytize daily to parents about the power of emotional validation, only to be pummeled at home in response to my own use of the nuanced strategy. Months of gentle parenting, while helpful in many ways, had done little to address Cece’s aggression.
Like any Psychologist Dada worth his mettle, I was done being passive. It was time for time-out.
“Cece, you hit Dada, so you need to sit in the time-out chair.”
Springing to action, I scooped her up and sat her in a sturdy chair in the center of the room, distractors out of reach.
“Sit in the chair until I say you can get off,” I commanded as I set a three-minute timer.
A reflexive second wave of emotion possessed my daughter, the force of which launched her off the seat.
“Sit in the chair until I say you can get off,” I repeated while returning my two-year-old to her armchair penitentiary. I reset the timer and was prepared to do so each time Cece escaped. This scripted procedure was far from off-the-cuff; it was adapted from Parent–Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), widely considered to be the gold-standard treatment for disruptive behavior in children ages two through seven.
As expected, Cece again vaulted off the chair within seconds. In a toddler’s first time-out, this display of dissent is when the rubber hits the road. It was a battle of wills; a test of resolve; a trial of grit. The Dada–daughter showdown had begun.
And so had my anxiety.
“What if this harms our relationship?” I thought to myself. “What if I’m shaming her?” And most concerning, “What if time-out traumatizes her?”
My mind was assaulting me with my clients’ frequently asked questions. Thankfully, clinical experience and a wealth of research supporting the use of time-out reassured me: If I remained neutral and stuck to the script, I knew that Cece could ultimately benefit from developing improved emotion regulation in childhood and better mental health in adulthood.
After returning her repeatedly to the chair, I was short of breath and breaking a sweat. To my chagrin, my attempt at limit-setting had evolved into a fun game. Cece was now giggling while I hoisted her up-and-down, up-and-down, up-and-down, enjoying the carnival ride named Dada. Frustrations aside, I was confident that she would eventually stay in the chair if I remained stolid and true to the course. Meanwhile, my lungs, biceps, and shoulders were responding as if I was circuit training. I counted the ever-increasing number of reps: 20, 25, 30, 35. Cece’s amusement was waning, but her tenacity remained steadfast.
Fired up by adrenaline, I became uncomfortably hot. In a flash of sweaty desperation, I yanked off my shirt to cool down. I suddenly found myself breathless, shirtless, and wondering if my neighbors were watching this humbling charade through the window. Oh, what my clients would think if they could observe Dr. Mazza’s day off! A bolt of comedic perspective struck me, sparking an off-script, irrepressible smile. My neutrality broken, I beamed at my Puff-loving toddler, the joy of my life.
Perhaps Cece had picked up on my shift in energy. More scientifically, she had worked through what behaviorists call the “extinction burst.” Either way, my daughter finally chilled out. She served her three minutes in the chair, albeit tearfully, followed by a requisite five seconds of silent self-regulation. It was over.
“Cece, are you ready to be gentle with Dada?”
She nodded bashfully, and I gathered her into my arms. Cece touched my face tenderly with her hand.
“Gentle, gentle,” she echoed in her sweet, melodic voice.
As I held her, something between us felt different.
Our relational tension had dissolved, replaced by a serene attunement.
The strain between us had been taxing our attachment for weeks, although I hadn’t noticed it until now. In this precious moment, our bond was refreshed and radiant; the harmony was palpable, the love felt boundless. Although I had witnessed countless parent–child relationships strengthen after a well-executed time-out, it was remarkable to experience this dramatic, healing shift myself.
Amidst our embrace, images of an alternate future flickered through my mind. Had I chastised, scolded, or shouted at Cece in response to her aggression, I would have inadvertently reinforced the very behavior I intended to stop. A gradual descent into the “coercive cycle” of contentious parent–child interactions is all too common for caregivers of willful children. On the other hand, overly permissive parenting would have yielded a different set of insidious results. Without my training, I could have easily gone down these painful, yet well-trodden paths of parenting. I was overcome with empathy for families doing their best but struggling through the trials and toils of raising a spirited child.
This would be Cece’s first of many time-outs, although my wife and I use them sparingly in comparison to other parenting essentials, including special play time, modeling, emotional validation, co-regulation, and strategic use of attention. That all sounds skillful, but it’s not always pretty. Like most parents, Psychologist Dada gets short-tempered, anxious, ashamed, and too exhausted to cope. All caregivers of young children can benefit from support and behavioral parent training. For families interested in learning more about PCIT, please visit PCIT.org.